jony's room

[03.10.23] the sleep of reason produces monsters
somebody i care very much about once told me that i should start journaling. that putting my thoughts and feeling into words and putting them somewhere other than my head might help me deal with them. thoughts and feelings are ugly things, the way they tend to reverberate and warp and grow inside one's skull until one ultimately loses sight of what's real and what truly matters. i've seen it happen to people close to me and strangers alike - internal struggles left unchecked for so long that they become more akin to full-scale thermonuclear war with lasting and permanent effects; dissolved nation states, broken cities, radiation and all.

i once had a friend who went through something like this, his mind so riddled with pain and traumatic past experiences that he began to twist into shapes unrecognizable, terrifying. he would make full use of any opportunity he got to escape into fantasy in an effort to protect himself from the weight of reality, of responsibility, of guilt. over the course of a decade, escapism slowly became delusion. and i saw it all first-hand. however fitting it may seem, i must refrain from using terms like character arc to describe the changes he went through; for this is no work of fiction. the sequence of events led to his premature departure weren't arranged in a narrative structure by an author in an effort to instill emotion in the onlooker, or to convey some sort of deeper symbolic meaning. this is real, and therefore devoid of any sort of meaning or message. he had entirely convinced himself that he was plagued by evil spirits, and that the fabric of reality itself actively and intentionally meant him harm. to most, things like these only exist within the confines of stories and films. to him they were as real as anything directly observable within the physical world. he saw all of this as so real and so fundamental that he was completely unreceptive to help from others. last december, around the time of his 26th birthday, he poisoned himself. i'll never not wonder if i could've done more.

i'll never not wonder if things would be different today if not for the fact that i've always been deathly terrified of opening up to people - even those closest to me. baring it all and sharing my thoughts and feelings with another has always been very difficult to me - i've always been deeply ashamed to even be alive. hiding is so easy and feels so natural, although i know all too well that doing so isn't fair to those that care about me and isn't healthy for me. again; internalizing it all and trying to shoulder it oneself only leads to thoughts and feelings twisting and growing so big that the weight becomes crushing.

the sleep of reason produces monsters.

this journal isn't for you to read; it's for me to write. to be able to put my worries somewhere other than within myself, without losing sight of them. i hope that typing it all out and broadcasting it across cyberspace like this might eventually help me with being able to be more intimate and honest with those i care about. if not, at least they can come here and read what i'm too scared to tell them face to face. ~

[04.10.23] underdrawing for three forms of unhappiness at the state of existence
i want to write something today but i really don't know what. i feel so........ bleh. sort of like gregor samsa, but instead of a beetle i've turned into some kind of worm. worms are able to wiggle about and tunnel through earth though, which is much more than i feel capable of right now. no energy. zero. i just want to do something productive but i can't muster the energy no matter how hard i try. my mind is all over the place and simultaneously nowhere at all. it's exhausting.

i miss my friends so much. one of them doesn't want to talk to me at the moment and the other seems too busy to come online much. although i worry that he doesn't want to talk to me either. and yes, i really only have two friends. two friends that i'm even remotely close to, anyway. not being able to talk to them is so incredibly lonely; it feels like i'm gradually losing my opacity and fading way. becoming a ghost. after all, without my friends i'm nothing. they've always given me the joy and energy to carry on living through the day; they've stood by me through my absolute worst fuck-ups; they've loved me even though i've done nothing to prove myself worthy. quite the contrary, actually.

about a month ago i left the country i was born and raised in, the country i've lived in forever, and moved abroad to be with the half of my family that lives where i currently am. the half of my family that actually seems to believe in me and love me unconditionally. i thought being closer to them would help me heal and get back on my feet. now that i'm here i feel like that is the case, but part of me feels so... guilty. ashamed. i used to fantasize about coming back and seeing everybody only after i'd sorted myself out and found some sort of stability in life, so the fact that it didn't turn out that way is kind of disappointing. my uncle (who i've always loved and share a lot of interests with) is letting me stay at his house and i feel so grateful but also so bad about it. he works most of the time while i just stay at home and watch tv or stare at the walls. i really wish i could contribute in any meaningful way, but while i wait for my citizenship application to be approved i can't really do much of anything. and naturally, i worry that my application won't be approved. i've no logical reason to believe that would be the case, i just worry about everything all of the time. being here is kind of scary; everything's so different and, in a way, seems so hostile. and i don't know anybody here outside of family. i want to try and make friends over here but i have no idea at all where to start. where do i even find people that are anything like me??? in my 26 years alive i've found exactly TWO people i feel comfortable around. now i feel like they're slipping away. i hope things get better. i hope i can find the strength to make things better, and to be a better friend to them. and if they're reading this:

i love you so much. i'm so sorry. ~